piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
