I can tuck mytits in my pants
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
