The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
