It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
