I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i drank out of a bidet.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
