I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize