I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
