FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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