I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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