May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
