i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
