remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
