we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it glows. i had to have it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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