My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
