No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
