so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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