do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
