Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
