We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
