tell your sister to shave her snatch
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
