"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
