Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
