I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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