Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
