i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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