Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
