I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
