I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
