Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize