The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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