Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think I sprained my soul last night
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
