Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
40s are totally the cure
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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