Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
