I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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