As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
