this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
