I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
