I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
