If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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