Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
