There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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