if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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