fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
