Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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