I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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