God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
