In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
