Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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