Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
