I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
