chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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