I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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