Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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