You smell like a Billy Joel song
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
3 2 1 whiskey
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
