You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
