Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
