I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The power of my boobs compel you
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
