i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
