I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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