I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize