Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
