guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
