I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
